My Immortal
by Kitana Chou
Summary: My first ever songfic. Very dark, very sad. It's a Tasuki POV about his love for Nuriko and his feelings a year after Nuriko's death.


Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the song "My Immortal"  
  
Warning: Angst, Fluff (what a weird combo.), songfic, death, reference to Tasuki/Nuriko  
  
Author's Note: If you want the full effect read this while listening to "My Immortal" by Evanesence. This fic is for my best friend, Jazz. I don't know why but I felt like dedicating this fic to her... maybe I just wanna make her cry...  
  
la la la lyrics  
  
My Immortal  
  
An entire year has passed... A year without you... How did I make it through without you? We were only together for a short time but yet... I feel so alone without you.  
  
I'm so tired of being here suppressed by all of my childish fears  
  
I almost wish I could just forget. Forget that I love you so much, forget that it's so hard to eat, sleep, or even breath without you by my side. The best part of you has been taken away, the part I could touch, hear, hold, kiss... all that's left now is just a memory and a void in my soul. A void only you can fill. So no matter how hard I try I can't forget.  
  
and if you have to leave I wish that you'd just leave  
  
It seems that everything around me reminds me of you. When I walk down the streets I will see a stand selling violets and remember how much you loved that particular flower and every time you saw some whether it be for sale or in the wild your eyes would get huge and you'd tug on my sleeve and point them out to me.  
  
"Aren't they beautiful?" You'd ask, it seemed every time you saw them you'd be in a sort of aw. And every time I saw you looking at them I'd run to get you some, then you'd smile shyly and kiss my cheek with a whispered, "Aishiteru." Then late at night after everyone else was asleep you'd come to me and give my the privilege of touching all of the soft skin I wanted.  
  
Every time I hear a voice singing softly I think back to you. How you'd sing in the bath, as you rode on your horse, when you were alone and thought no one was watching, but I was always watching. I couldn't get enough of you, I still can't. Cause now I don't have you at all.  
  
because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone  
  
You'd think after a year the pain would lesson at least a little. But it just seems to grow. Every morning that I wake-up alone without you snuggling to my chest, my heart breaks yet again. Every night I go to sleep without your seemingly endless chatter threatening to keep me awake all night, I cry. I cry like a small child, clinging to the pillow that should be yours on the side of the bed that should be yours until sleep claims me. And in the time between the morning and the night, that time is spent wishing you where by my side. Pointing out little things as I walk down the street, like the distasteful dress such-and-such is wearing. Begging me in your sweetest voice to stop so you can go look at the make-up on sale in one of the shops. And it hurts... Oh Suzaku, it hurts. It feels as though there is a dagger in my heart.  
  
these wounds won't seem to heal the pain is just to real  
there's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
I remember one night just a couple day's before you went away, I was watching you while you slept and noticed you were crying. I kissed your cheeks where the tears were and felt the salty wetness on my lips. You started making small whimpering noises then, and opened your eyes with a scream and a grimace of what looked like pain.  
  
"Nuriko! Nuriko, what's wrong?" I had demanded more scared in those few minutes than I've even been in my entire life.  
  
"J-just a b-bad dream." You had answered and gave me a weak smile.  
  
"Tell me." I had asked. You told me you dreamt of leaving me. Of going away and never coming back, of never seeing my face again, of never feeling my touch. And I told you:  
  
"No matter where you go, even if you leave one day because you no longer love me, I will follow you and be with you always. Even if it takes me days, weeks, months, or even years, I will always find you and bring you back to me."  
  
"And if I die?" You asked with the softest of smiles on your perfect lips.  
  
"Even in death you will not escape me, I would follow you to the ends of earth if it meant just one more kiss. I shall follow you were ever you go." Then you smiled and said you'd do the same. That night we made love more sweetly and passionately then every before.I want to go back to that. That time when the world could have stopped and we would not have cared, because we couldn't have been happier.  
  
when you cried I'd wipe away all of you tears when you'd scream I fight away all of you fears and I've held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me  
  
And your smile, your smile is probably the thing I miss the most. When you'd smile it seemed like the entire room would light up. Whenever you smiled everyone around you just couldn't help but smile back. You had that effect on people, no matter what the situation you could make other's smile, you could make others laugh. Even when you felt like crying you'd keep that smile in place and try to make everyone else happy. And when I was the cause of that smile... Suzaku, I felt like I would die every time that smile graced your face because of something I did or a word I said. You'd smile at me and make me feel all your love glowing in you smile. I how did I live a whole year without that smile?  
  
you used to captivate me by your resonating light  
  
At first I kept on for what you died to protect, hope. Hope Miaka would summon Suzaku and all would be well... deep down I hoped that Miaka would use one of her wishes for you. To bring you back... but that hope didn't last long. After that I lived in a sort of shock, for the first time I was left to actually consider the fact I'd never see you or your smile again. I lived every day thinking I'd wake up any minute to you telling me I was a baka for sleeping so long and telling me we had to get up to go look for the shinzaho. But I've finally realized your not coming back... this isn't a dream...  
  
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Now like you used to I wake up every morning in a cold sweat. With images of your face twisted in agony as Ashitares claws ripped through your chest.  
  
your face it haunts my once pleasent dreams  
  
I awake with your pain filled screams echoing in my ears, making my pull at my hair, welcoming the rush of pain that brought, pain that almost drowned out you. I can't take this any longer.  
  
your voice it chases away all the sanity in me  
  
I can't take the constant bleeding in my heart and soul.  
  
these wounds won't seem to heal  
  
I can't take the almost physical pain of being away from you.  
  
the pain is just to real  
  
I can't take the memories that even time cannot consume.  
  
there's just so much that time cannot erase  
  
I wanna be with you again, to stop the pain in your heart. I want to be with you again 'cause I need you. And I know you need me.  
  
when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
I can't move on. I can't live life without you.  
  
and i held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me  
  
Even though I tried to make myself accept that you wont come back, 'cause deep down I know you wont. So I'll take this knife, the same one with which you cut you braid, and I'll go to you. I'll ram it through my heart just as the pain I feel everyday. I'm not even afraid, it can't hurt any more than being without you, and besides then I can see you again...  
  
i tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
I'm so tired of being alone, your memory isn't enough. The blood running down my chest is my offering to you, the symbol of my love. Take it and take me. I don't want to be alone any more.  
  
and though you're still with me I've been alone all along  
  
I feel dizzy so I'm gonna lie down, I close my eyes then hear a small girl laughing, I try to open my eyes once more but their to heavy.  
  
"It's all right, Tasuki, just rest."   
  
"Nuriko?"  
  
"Yes Tasuki. It's me, now rest, you'll be all right soon."  
  
"We can be together now right? Forever?"  
  
"Hai, forever." I smile and let the sleep claim me. It's all right now. 'Cause I wont be alone any more, I'm with you again.  
  
Aishiteru, Nuriko.  
  
Owari  
  
Kitana sniff, sniff I... blows nose loudly I am sad now! But at least they are together again right? Even if it was an incredibly sad fic. Please review. I need to hear what you think, if you don't tell me you think it was good I'll probably think you all hated it and me because I'm a mean sadistic bitch...


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